I couldn't sleep again last night. I had told some people from Judo that i would come to their weights session at 6.45 in the morning. I went to bed at 11, but probably didn't sleep until 5. I woke for my alarm at 6 and chickened out. Since i started doing Judo here, i feel like i have the flu. I have experienced this before, its what happens when your body adjusts to a radically different physical regimen. My joints hurt, my neck hurts from bridging. I nearly fell asleep in the computer login introduction class at my uni. All you would need to do is attach a stuffy nose to my condition, and any doctor would prescribe bed rest to it. So 6am came, after i had slept one hour, and i chickened out. I slept from then until 10, i cant remember what i dreamed about, but i remember that the common theme amongst all the dreams i had was failure.
I had the day off. We had had our orientation classes for Japanese the day before. I understood the nouns spoken in class, that was about it. Today was all free time, at least until i had the 5pm randoori. I used the time to go buy some things i needed, surfed the internet; wasted time. Nothing exiting.
I went to judo. I think that the quality of their judo in randoori is better than most competitions i have seen at home. That being said, i have not been to many of the more skilled matches, but i saw some awesome combination and counter techniques tonight. Textbook drop seoi nages, precisely timed o soto garis to sasae tsuri komi goshis. Again i stood off to the side, waiting to be called onto the mat by someone sympathetic. The call never came.
I did not work for a homophobe who refused to pay me minimum wage, trying to save money for this, finally scraping enough money together to make it happen; so i could stand by nervous and withdrawn, watching the opportunity of my life pass me by. After about 1 1/2 hours of this, I asked someone next to me if they wanted to go with me for the next randoori. He looked kinda embarrased, but said yes. I couldn't throw him, he had been thrashed around like laundry in the dryer for 1 1/2 hours, I was lacking in technique. Those things considered, it was a pretty even pairing, and we finished without really gaining an advantage over each other. I asked the same question of another guy, again he looked embarrassed but said yes. I threw him in a dirty sumigaeshi, he threw me in a pretty tidy tai otoshi. Leaving training, i was left with the impression that this place would be what i made of it. I needed to take responsibility and ownership over my own learning. The worst someone could say if i asked them to go for randoori was no. It made me decide that i must commit to sincerely communicate to others that i want to learn, even if i could not do it correctly or grammatically.
This train of thought led me to decide that i must also commit to who i am. I have lived too long in indecision. I am gay. I was drawn to judo because i wanted to prove to others that i was worthy, that with training i could be capable of doing what anyone else could do. Since then, my opinion has changed. I no longer believe that there is anything that any one person can do that will make another respect them. People respect others for the sole reason that they want to. People do not attach their respect to qualities that exist in other people. In my opinion, person A respects person B because in person B; person A sees an invitation to recognize something that they want, and gain from, by respecting person B. Its an inherently self interested process. Trying to win respect essentially is like trying to control anothers mind. You cannot intervene in what people want to respect in others.
I will never be capable, and never want to, compel respect from anyone. There was a point in my life where i did think i wanted this, but this was before i understood what the word meant. I may have started judo to prove myself to others; but i am at Tokai University for me. I continued at judo for me. I have had arguments with a guy i was dating about outing myself to my judo club. I explained to him that i didn't want to fix something that wasn't broken. He argued back that i was living under a false identity. I didn't want to create problems for myself or my club. He asked me why did i want to continue meeting people that might reject me if i told them the truth, I couldn't really explain to him that what i have already gained from judo justified it all.
Once i learned to cast off others opinions as unhelpful as a yardstick for my own personal development, i was faced with a rather daunting question. Do you want to train like this, for yourself? At the pace you are learning at; being capable of doing one half respectable throw every 6 months, is it worth it to put up with the pain, the loneliness, the deceit? I struggle to answer that question. Every few months or so i seriously consider quitting. But i have the will now, and so i want to continue. And i want to stop omitting details about my life. I hope these two sentences are not contradictory. I have committed to the possibility that they might be. I have made many friends at judo, known them all for years, and yet feel a stranger to all of them. I am tired of being a stranger.
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